And now for something completely different. We have been pondering this post for a long time and today is the day.
Long post so here is your summary.
TLDR: Everyone is the subject of their story, not the object of yours, so learn how to acknowledge and be grateful for how autonomous individuals choose to share their most vulnerable pieces of themselves with you. Be better.
Today we were confronted with another example of someone who isn’t getting the message. So here it is, as plainly as I can put it: people do not exist to satisfy your own desires. You have no claim on the humanity, dignity and decisions of others. The beauty of relationships, the beauty of community, the beauty of interactions comes from protecting the inherent autonomy of individuals.
The example today, unfortunately, comes from the tired scripting of another older, white male. And because it is tired, because it is the same, we are additionally at risk that this falls under the eye-roll of “here we go again” and we slowly become anesthetized to the old behavior. The greater risk is that we convince ourselves that this behavior will “just die out with that generation:” it will not. Behavior modeling begets modeled behavior. And if we get to a point where we allow the “here we go again” to convince us that ignoring the behavior is sufficient until that generation dies out, this momentum, this progress will be lost as we fight it again in the next generation.
Today a woman posted a picture of herself. On social media. The first comment expressed “yummy baby,” “what a doll,” “hot body baby,” “pretty little booty,” and “love your smile sweetheart.” His defense of these words was “Hey that’s Cool just a comment I didn’t mean to disrespect you Sweetheart it’s just the way I talk don’t worry” and ” didn’t mean to disrespect you and I’m Sorry if I did I’m the type of person I just say what I like about the Women that post their pictures on here I’m from the South i admire all Women and I just say what I think not meaning any disrespect Sweetheart and like I said I’m Sorry if I made you feel disrespected.”
Comments we see on a daily basis. The comments we roll our eyes at. The messaging is not getting through. And while we have some brave enough to come out and post these, there are dozens of comments following these that while not as brazen, are from similar individuals who have learned to tone down their digital hard on so they don’t appear as demeaning.
But what sticks out to me the most with these comments is that they continue to not get it. And if they are not getting it, it is likely that others – including allies – are also not getting it. So here is the breakdown again:
“This is just who I am” is not a defense for your behavior. Reread your comments. See how many times you reference “I” in your discussion about the decisions of another person. How that person dresses, how that person creates their art, how that person expresses themselves: these things have nothing to do with you. These are their choices. And they are not made for you. They are made for themselves. Autonomy includes deciding who we elect to include in our lives. (Why does this ring so similar to “She was dressed that way so she was asking for it?” That’s right: because it is the same perverted thinking!)
Now you may argue that “but she posted this on social media, so once it is out there, she has no control over how people react.” You are right. She does not have control. You do. You have control over how you react. And I do. And if I see someone who has psychologically crossed the line from understanding they have the privilege to observe and appreciate the art – regardless of the type and genre of that art – to thinking they have a claim on the autonomy of the individual, that they believe that someone’s worth comes from how their choices make *you* feel, I will call you out.
Which is why “I’m the type of person I just say what I like about the Women that post their pictures on here” is so revealing. What you personally like, what you appreciate, and what you want to see is not justification for demeaning or dehumanizing anyone. Your next argument is “but I’m saying nice things about them, I’m complimenting them and being nice.” No. You are not. You are judging someone’s choice based on how they make *you* feel. You are stating, “I deem this good because you give me pleasure, and therefore you should feel good for giving me pleasure.” You are propping up the narrative that people exist as objects: you are the subject and women exist as objects for you to take action upon.
It is a powerful narrative. And a toxic, destructive, disgusting narrative. And I will fight against it regardless of how much you do not want to change.
I mention this because I left out a piece in the exchange. We did call out the behavior. And the response was thus: “I apologize [sic] to her don’t be sticking your nose in where it don’t belong.”
This should be a mirror to all men – and anybody else that matches the behavioral profile – that if you ever tell people who are defending others to “don’t be sticking your nose where it don’t belong” you should reconsider your script and behavioral patterns. Roger Ailes. Harvey Weinstien. They operated on a code of secrecy, a code of silence, a code of power abuse. They expected others to “not stick their nose where it don’t belong.” They operated under the auspices of “what happens between me and her is between her and me. Stay out of it.”
I will not. We will not.
So how to remedy this, or at least do not additional harm? Our recommended path is the same one we take in our client sessions focusing on the principles of acknowledgement and gratitude. Instead of starting with categorical or qualified judgments, thank the artist: “Thank you for your vulnerability,” “Thank you for trusting us with your expression,” or “Your vulnerability inspires us…”
The point is not that compliments are bad: the point is that many do not know how to provide a compliment. Acknowledging someone’s strengths and choices in a positive tone, absent of how it impacts you, is a win for their autonomy. It is a win for appreciation. It is a win for dignity.
Start there.